


Words of Affirmation

by Polomonkey



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Assumptions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Drug Addiction, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28541529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polomonkey/pseuds/Polomonkey
Summary: Merlin's happy with Gwaine, though he can't help fear his lively boyfriend might get bored of him.He doesn't realise Gwaine has fears of his own.
Relationships: Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin)
Comments: 43
Kudos: 181
Collections: Finish that Fic Merlin!, Hurt/Comfort Bingo - Round 11, Tavernfest Round 2: The Five Love Languages





	Words of Affirmation

**Author's Note:**

> I literally cannot believe I've never written Merwaine before when they're so patently adorable! The first of many I hope...
> 
> Fills my 'crisis of faith' square on hurt/comfort bingo and the love languages theme for Tavernfest.

Of the many lovely things Lance had done for Merlin – including but not exclusive to helping him move, getting him into Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and magically reviving all of his house plants after Merlin had accidentally left the heating on full blast for a weekend – introducing him to Gwaine had to be one of the best.

Lance had gone to uni in Ireland, which was where they’d met, and Merlin didn’t know how Gwaine had ended up in Camelot but making his acquaintance had been an absolute pleasure. Gwaine was funny and charming, with a mischievous streak a mile long and a way of turning the dullest situation into a laugh.

Oh and he was also absolutely gorgeous.

Merlin couldn’t believe his luck when Gwaine had taken him home one night. He’d been even more over the moon when Gwaine wanted to carry on seeing him. Gwaine had become a fully integrated part of their friendship group by then and as wonderful as it was having him as a friend, Merlin liked having him as a boyfriend even more.

But a boyfriend was not a magical fix-all, as Gwen’s copies of Cosmo that Merlin sneakily read on the loo regularly stated. Merlin had been struggling with anxiety for years and it was only six months ago that he finally bit the bullet and starting seeing a therapist. He took a low dose medication now and had much better strategies for dealing with his mental health, but the anxiety hadn’t gone away. And it reared its ugly head often enough that he feared its effect on his relationship with Gwaine.

Gwaine was uncomplicated, that was one of the best things about him. He lived in the moment and he didn’t sweat the small stuff. Next to him, Merlin sometimes felt like some kind of worry monster. Even on a good day he tended to overthink things, and though he tried to stay rational, it did all spill out sometimes.

What if Gwaine decided he wanted someone a little less high-maintenance? He could have his pick of the pack, after all. Was Merlin setting himself up for inevitable heartbreak trying to hold onto a guy like that?

He'd left Gwaine's flat that morning feeling good, but the rest of the day was lost to obsessing while Gwaine was at work. Merlin was still thinking about it when he met his friends in the pub that night and his distraction didn't go unnoticed.

"Quit mooning over Swishy Hair and get your round in," Arthur said, leaning across the table to flick Merlin's empty glass.

"I wasn't _mooning_ ," Merlin said indignantly. "I was just…"

"Drooling?" Elyan suggested helpfully. "I mean, who can blame you?"

It was Arthur's turn to be indignant.

"Oi! I'm much better looking than him!"

"Ah, but is your hair as swishy?" Morgana said sagely.

Arthur pouted until Elyan gave him a conciliatory kiss.

"What were you doing, Merlin?" Gwen asked, possibly the only person at the table who wouldn't make fun of him.

"I was worrying," Merlin said honestly and Gwen's face creased in sympathy.

"Oh hon, why?"

Merlin stared down into the dregs of his pint.

"Gwaine's so… he's just… he's so cool. And easygoing. And carefree. And I'm… not. What if he gets bored?"

It sounded pathetic outside of his head, almost irredeemably teenage, but most of his friends were nodding.

"I've felt that before," Gwen said. "When I was dating Percy. He was so calm and quiet, I felt like a total blabbermouth and like I was driving him mad."

“And now Lance loves your blabbering,” Elyan put in.

“Damn straight he does,” Gwen said. “Oh I wish he was here tonight Merlin, he knows Gwaine best after all. But I bet he’d say you have nothing to feel insecure about.”

"Hell, I felt insecure when I started dating Morgs," Leon put in. Morgana looked both startled and vaguely like the cat that got the cream.

"Did you?"

"Yeah, 'cause we all told him he was punching above his weight," Elyan said, grinning.

"Yes, thank you Elyan. Anyway, it went away after we'd been dating a while Merlin, and it will for you too."

"How long did it take to go away?" Merlin said eagerly.

Leon paused.

"About a year, I think."

"A year!"

Merlin would be dead from anxiety by then, he was sure of it.

"This is ridiculous," Arthur said dismissively. "Merlin you're a total catch, even when you forget to put the dishwasher on, and Gwaine's lucky to have you."

"But I'm so… I wanna talk about feelings and stuff but he's more like… like he listens to me and he's so nice about the anxiety but inside I'm scared he's just like 'this is way too much for me'"

Merlin shouldn't have had that fourth pint. His insecurities were spilling out like nobody's business. Luckily, he knew his friends didn't mind.

"Well you do like to talk a lot,” Elyan mused. “But maybe it's like a love languages thing?"

"Oh GOD, not the bloody love languages," Morgana groaned. "I'll never forgive you for lending Leon that book."

"They are real and valid!" Elyan said. "Listen, Merlin, it's all about how you communicate as a couple. So I'm words of affirmation, which is maybe what you are too, where I like having my partner express their love verbally to me. Whereas Arthur…"

Elyan sighed deeply and Morgana started snickering.

"What?" Arthur said. "It might not be my forté but I'm not a caveman!"

"Listen to this text from Monday, Merlin," Elyan said, scrolling through his phone. "I was having the shittest day so I texted Arthur saying 'Today has been the worst. Literally don't know if I can do this job anymore'."

He paused dramatically.

"And Arthur texted back… 'oh dear lol'."

"Arthur!" Gwen and Leon said simultaneously, while Morgana just shook her head.

"I was keeping it light!" Arthur protested.

"So obviously that didn't improve my mood. But then I got home and Arthur had knocked off work early to cook me dinner and run me a jasmine bath. Because his love language is acts of service and that's how he shows he loves me."

"Aww," Gwen said, objections forgotten, and Arthur preened.

"Also," Elyan added, "when we went to bed that night he did the most amazing thing with his-"

"Oh my God!"

"Gross!"

"Don't tell us that!"

"You're frightening the straights, dear," Arthur said.

"I object in bisexual," Morgana said. "Also, you are my _brother_."

"Ditto, Elyan," Gwen piped up.

"That's fair, comment withdrawn. The point is-"

"What is the point?" Leon said mildly. "We seem to be very off track."

"The point is that communication in relationships is difficult, that Merlin shouldn't worry so much, and that if he talks to Gwaine about all this he might get some reassurance," Gwen said sensibly.

Far too sensibly.

“I’m going to get drunk instead,” Merlin announced and everyone groaned except Arthur.

“Excellent! Get the shots in.”

The first shot might not have been fatal on its own, but the jägerbomb that followed was definitely an error, and the tequila slammer was the cherry on the disaster cake. By the time Gwaine arrived at the pub to pick him up, Merlin was practically on the floor.

“Swishy hair!” he slurred out in delight as Gwaine slid into the booth beside him.

“It’s all down to a good hairdryer,” Gwaine said, putting his arm around Merlin. “Are we a little drunk, love?”

“Nooo, why’d you ask?”

“You have a beer mat stuck to your neck.”

“Arthur!” Merlin said indignantly and Arthur sniggered, holding his hands up.

“You put it there yourself! You insisted it would soak up any beer that missed your mouth.”

Merlin frowned, considering.

“I’m clever,” he said at last.

“Yes you are,” Gwaine said. “So clever that I think I better get you home for a big glass of water and a nice long sleep.”

Merlin was about to object but water and sleep did actually sound rather nice.

“Mmm,” he said, and Gwaine tugged him to his feet while his friends called out various goodbyes.

“Take some paracetamol!” Gwen said. Then she mouthed “don’t worry” when Gwaine turned away.

Worry? Why would he – oh yes. Because Gwaine was cool and he was not. Gwaine was a cool guy. A cool, cool, cool-

“Are you muttering the word cool at me?” Gwaine said. “Or practising your Jake Peralta impression?”

“You’re cool,” Merlin said in response, letting Gwaine guide him through the door of the pub. “So cool.”

Gwaine laughed.

“You’re a very complimentary drunk, love, I’ll have to remember that.”

“So cool! So… ooh I’m cold.”

The frigid air hit Merlin like a slap in the face and he began to shiver.

“Only two street’s walk,” Gwaine said and he took his jacket off, wrapping it around Merlin’s shoulders.

It took less than five minutes, despite the odd stumble from Merlin, and soon they were inside Gwaine’s blissfully warm flat.

Gwaine gave Merlin a pint of water and made them both some toast to munch on.

“Come on then, you lush, let’s get you to bed.”

“Ahh,” Merlin said, attempting to waggle his eyebrows seductively, but Gwaine just laughed.

“Absolutely not. We can try morning sex if you’re still up for it, but I’m predicting a banging headache.”

Merlin pretended to pout but then got distracted running his fingers through Gwaine’s hair. Gwaine somehow managed to manoeuvre them both into the bedroom, efficiently stripping them both to their underwear and getting them under the bed covers.

But then Merlin had to get up to go to the bathroom and then he wanted more water and then he tried to brush his teeth with his finger and some toothpaste and in the end Gwaine practically had to wrestle him back to bed.

“I’m being a drunken mess, aren’t I?” Merlin said, a little sober self-awareness coming to him.

“Yes,” Gwaine said with a grin, and dropped a kiss on Merlin’s forehead. “You’re bloody lucky I like you so much.”

“Do you?” Merlin said, the anxieties of earlier swimming up. “I don’t bore you?”

Gwaine looked surprised.

“Bore me? No chance, why would you say that?”

“You’re so cool,” Merlin said, shifting into a comfier position. “And you don’t worry about anything and you’re just like… carefree.”

He yawned, a wave of tiredness overtaking him.

“I’m so anxious all the time and you don’t- you’re just chill all the time.”

Gwaine didn’t say anything, his eyes fixed on Merlin’s.

“I wish I was chill all the time.”

Merlin felt his eyes slipping shut.

“I wish I was more like you,” he managed to mumble, and then sleep took him.

*

Something was wrong when Merlin woke up. Not the headache, that part was entirely predictable, but something else. Gwaine brought him a cup of tea and kissed him on the forehead when he woke up, but he hadn’t spoken much since. He was tapping away on his laptop next to Merlin in bed but he wasn’t making little funny comments like he normally would, and there was a slight tension in his body.

Once Merlin had taken a shower and some headache pills and managed to force down a bit of toast, he was feeling marginally more human. He made Gwaine a sandwich and took it into the bedroom with a cup of tea. If something was up with Gwaine, it could only because Merlin was behaving like an absolute liability the night before. He had some making up to do.

“I made you lunch,” he said nervously and Gwaine looked up.

“Ah thanks,” he said, setting his laptop aside and accepting the plate.

Merlin sat down next to him on the bed, twisting his hands together.

“Listen… I’m really sorry about last night. I was a total pain in the arse. I understand if you’re a bit pissed off with me.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Gwaine said, putting his hands up. “I’m not pissed off. I mean, you were totally ridiculous last night but it was definitely more funny than anything else.”

Merlin gnawed at his thumb nail. It was an anxiety habit he’d been trying to kick for a long time but this was exactly the kind of situation that made old habits flare up.

“But something’s wrong this morning. With you. I can tell.”

It could be hard to trust his instincts, knowing that his brain liked to tell him something was wrong all the time. Constantly asking for reassurance from the people around him was one of the main things he’d been working on in therapy. He knew it wasn’t sustainable, knew that he needed to tackle the thoughts that lead to his fears rather than giving in to them. But it was easier said than done and then there were situations like this, where he was almost certain he wasn’t imagining it.

Perhaps some of his internal upheaval showed on his face because Gwaine sighed.

“Not wrong, just… come here.”

Merlin obligingly crawled up the bed, until he was by Gwaine’s side.

“Do you remember much of what you said last night?” Gwaine said, looking at him intently.

“Not really,” Merlin said, embarrassed. His mind was already racing with all the terrible possibilities and his breathing quickened slightly.

“Shh, don’t panic. I’m going to tell you,” Gwaine said, taking Merlin’s hand. “You said I was cool. And carefree and chill and never worried about anything and maybe I was bored by you.”

It wasn’t as bad as Merlin had thought. Still, it had obviously bothered Gwaine.

“I’m sorry I anxiety-vomited on you,” Merlin said sincerely. “I- it has crossed my mind that with all my mental health stuff, it might just be… I don’t know, a bit much for you.”

“Merlin,” Gwaine said, and his tone was very serious. “I think we need to talk.”

Oh God. Merlin swallowed a lump in his throat because he was about to get dumped, and it was all his own fault for opening his big stupid mouth…

“Not that,” Gwaine said firmly, reading his mind yet again. “We don’t need to talk about you. We need to talk about _me_.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Gwaine sighed. He took a gulp from his mug and set it back down.

“Did you know I was raised Catholic?”

Merlin shook his head, curious about where this was going.

“I mean, big deal right, another Irish Catholic. But I was _really_ into it. Like, church twice a week, full rosary every night. I even wanted to be a priest when I grew up.”

“What happened?” Merlin said. He was pretty sure Gwaine didn’t attend church anymore, and he’d never mentioned religion in any capacity.

“Mam died,” Gwaine said quietly. “When I was seventeen. Da was gone so I went to live with my aunt. And… lost my mind a bit.”

Merlin shifted a little closer on the bed. He’d known about Gwaine’s mum’s death and his father leaving when he was small, but no more details than that. Gwaine had never seemed to want to talk about it and Merlin hadn’t wanted to pry.

“How do you mean?”

“I couldn’t cope,” Gwaine said simply. “I’d believed in God for so long and then all of a sudden he takes my mum aged forty five. How could that be right? I lost my faith completely. Stopped going to church, and basically stopped going to school. Managed to scrape through my Leaving Cert and make it to uni in Galway but I was a real mess by then.”

He stopped and took another sip of tea and Merlin could tell it was to fortify himself to carry on. He put his hand on Gwaine’s leg and gave it a squeeze.

“Are you alright? You don’t have to-”

“No, I do, I do.”

Gwaine turned to face Merlin straight on.

“I got addicted to drugs. Coke mainly but I’d take almost anything on a night out. Went to about ten lectures my whole first year, I think. I got chucked out, of course. Didn’t stop me, I got a job in a shitty little bar and earned just enough to feed my habit and doss on people’s floors.”

“Oh, Gwaine,” Merlin breathed and Gwaine held a hand up.

“It was bad, Merlin. Don’t- I made a lot of bad choices. There’s patches of my life back then that I don’t even remember. You’re feeling sorry for me but I did it all to myself.”

“You were ill,” Merlin said. He felt so utterly sad for the man sitting next to him that he could barely speak. Gwaine had been all alone, overwhelmed by grief and in over his head. No one to look after him. Merlin wished he could have been there.

But he was here now.

“I wasn’t ill like-”

“You were ill,” Merlin said steadfastly. “How many times have you corrected me when I’ve said the anxiety is all my fault?”

“It isn’t your fault-”

“And neither was your addiction.”

Gwaine bowed his head.

“My auntie tried to help me, my cousins too. And a couple of friends but I just couldn’t-”

“What did help?” Merlin asked delicately.

“Rock bottom, like every addict says. I wound up in hospital after a binge. The doctor came in the next day and I remember it so clearly, she said to me, ‘you carry on like this, the next time I see you in here, it’ll be in the morgue’.”

Merlin flinched.

“That’s harsh.”

Gwaine shook his head.

“I needed to hear it. But I didn’t know what to do next. All my friends in Galway were addicts and I burned all my other bridges. Except one mate I roomed with at uni, an English guy who always said I could come across the pond and stay with him any time.”

“Lance,” Merlin realised.

Gwaine smiled then.

“He took me on as his room-mate even though I couldn’t pay any rent. Set me up with a GP to get a referral to the drugs service. They ask you to commit to the programme for three months, you know? I never could have done it if I’d had to work as well. Lance covered everything and he helped me through every sick and sleepless night too.”

“I owe him a massive hug when I see him next,” Merlin said, overwhelmed by what his friend had done for Gwaine.

“I owe him more than that,” Gwaine said. “I did manage to pay him back with money when I got on my feet but I’ll never be able to pay back the time he spent with me.”

“He wouldn’t want you to, anyway,” Merlin said and Gwaine nodded ruefully.

“Something of a saint, that one.”

They were silent a while, Merlin trying to digest all that he had heard.

“Thank you for telling me all this.”

He suddenly remembering what the starting point of the discussion had been.

“Oh God, and I said you were carefree and never worried about anything, I’m such a dick.”

Gwaine laughed.

“You’re not a dick. Just – I didn’t want you thinking you were the only one with problems and my life was all sorted. I mean, I’m more sorted than I’ve ever been but…”

He looked down at his hands.

“I’ll always be an addict, Merlin, you have to understand that. I’ve been sober for five years but it doesn’t ever stop. So if you don’t want to take that on-”

Merlin cut him off with a kiss to the cheek.

“I’m in if you’re in. I’ll keep going to therapy and taking my meds but I think the anxiety’s always going to be with me.”

“It’s not exactly the same,” Gwaine said.

“No, but we all have our baggage. No one in the world is ever really chill, I think I’ve learned that today.”

“Not even Elyan?”

“He’s obsessed with the love languages, absolutely no chill about that,” Merlin pointed out and Gwaine snorted.

“So I shouldn’t tell you that I’m physical touch, then?

“You read it!”

“Elyan forced it on me!” Gwaine said. “And it was sort of interesting.”

He nudged Merlin.

“You’re totally words of affirmation, by the way.”

“Guilty,” Merlin said, resting his head on Gwaine’s shoulder. “So put your laptop away and say nice things to me. And maybe you’ll get some physical touch out of it.”

“I suddenly feel like Elyan’s directing our dirty talk.”

“Hush up and kiss me,” Merlin said.

Gwaine did, soft and sweet. When they broke apart, he saw the question still lingering in Gwaine’s eyes.

“If you’re in, I’m in,” Merlin repeated softly.

“I’m in,” Gwaine said and pulled Merlin closer.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
